Please, not just, %26quot;It's good.%26quot; %26quot;It's bad.%26quot; etc. I'd prefer more concrete examples of what you like and dislike, things you would change, etc.
You should know
What it鈥檚 like to lose your mind.
If only for a moment, well, if so, that鈥檚 fine.Nataliee R 694
But even then, share the fright.
Tedious, to live a separate reality.
Phantoms trekking through the mind
Fiction and factuality blended
In your own autobiography.
Time progresses, and yet you can鈥檛 be relieved
The gruesome knowledge that keeps you shaking
Everyone鈥?s always watching, judging
You fall too fast, too hard, with fixation.
Astounded by the clarity of self-destruction,
Pessimism, skepticism, insecurity
Too lost in one鈥檚 one degrading head.
To ever be brought back to a peaceful actuality.
Sound a bit terrifying?
Only to the lucid
When all is gone awry in the unstable mind
Insanity replaces normality.
What do you think of my poem?
Like another said, u stuck with a theme, which keeps the poem interesting.
To me, because u used words like 'tedious, fright, fiction, reality, fixation', etc, the poem feels like it's about thoughts that keep nagging at your mind and pulling at your heart. I've been through that- daily, actually. So I can relate to this.
The tiniest thing I would change is in the line 'Time progresses, and yet you can't be relieved.' It is redundant to use 'and' with 'yet'. lol That's the only critique that I have. Really doesn't matter.
(=
What do you think of my poem?
good
I definitely think the themes here are interesting; unlike many authors, you stick to the topic and don't diverge distractingly. I'm a little confused about %26quot;Nataliee R 694.%26quot; Is this an allusion to something? If it's important, keep it in, but many readers may not understand it.
Also, the second and third lines %26quot;lose your mind%26quot; and %26quot;well...that's fine%26quot; rhyme, which gives the impression that you will continue to rhyme in the rest of the piece. If you really don't want to use a rhyme scheme (which is of course, completely fine) I would avoid the first rhyme there.
And, because I'm a bit of a grammar (and spelling, etc) Nazi, just a few errors: %26quot;one's one degrading%26quot; should be %26quot;one's OWN degrading.%26quot;
%26quot;All is gone awry%26quot; should be %26quot;All HAS gone awry.%26quot;
Last thing -- I know your goal is free verse (no rhyme scheme or consistent rhythm) but you may want to have some sort of loose structure that is consistent among the stanzas. Just my two cents.
I absolutely loved it. I relate to it so much. I know exactly what you're talking about. My favorite part was...
Astounded by the clarity of self-destruction,
Pessimism, skepticism, insecurity
Too lost in one鈥檚 one degrading head.
To ever be brought back to a peaceful actuality.
Sound a bit terrifying?
Only to the lucid
When all is gone awry in the unstable mind
Insanity replaces normality.
I understand that part completely. I honestly wouldn't change anything, I feel like your portrayed the feelings perfectly.
read mine?
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