It is something, this relationship between religion and the dead; I wonder at the various ways in which we deal with death, the passing of loved ones, and how our beliefs affect this. Death was always something purposely remote in my upbringing; the Christianity I was raised with dismissed death, as it was believed that, for the believer, there was ultimately no death. As a result, we did not remember the dead much, once the passing of grief was accomplished. Cemeteries were neglected, no real reminiscences were held.
Having left behind Christianity, I am meditating more these days on the lives passed, and thinking of their relation to me, their meaning to my life. I have two things that I believe strongly about death: the only true comfort to be gleaned in the wake of a loved one's passing is in knowing that one was a part of that life, a good, loved, appreciated part. We are comforted in knowing that we were valuable to that person, that we made their lives a little better for our being in it.
The other thing I hold as true is that what we truly miss in a loved one's passing is the person we were with that person, the person that they allowed us to be. A loved one provides a mirror, you see, and the reflection we see of ourselves in the interaction with that loved one gives us definition. With these things in mind, I look back and reflect, and miss the loved ones past, and think of the person I was to them, to their lives.
Two people fill my thoughts at this time of year, this time of remembering the dead:
My brother Jeff died less than a month after his 21st birthday. I cannot help but think of how much in awe I was of him. I felt so much inadequacy, because he was so obviously a person of merit, a person who impressed himself on the lives of others. I was, in comparison, rather a let-down. I was unsure and hesitant, most often a embarrassment to him and to his friends. There was only a year between the two of us, but he was exactly what everyone his age wanted to be: good-looking and smart, confident, brash, charismatic, athletic, a person who was sure that the world was his, and who would go and get it, his due. Had he lived, his success was almost assured.
As it turned out, he died, and I am left, still fairly much a let-down; age does not decrease one's power to disappoint. I regret that he could not have survived to perhaps have lent me some of his strength; I might have done much more.
The other person I will not name; I miss them, but with no regrets. For all the hurt involved with this person, they left me with an invaluable gift: For one time in my life, for a little while, I knew what it felt like to feel I was the most important person in another's life. No matter what pain involved, no matter what humiliation I may have suffered, I have carried away from that relationship this gift, and I owe it all to this person, now dead, now only in my thoughts.
It is important, I think, to remember people, the bad as well as the good; a collage needs many different shades and forms to form beauty, you see.
Well, these have been my remembrances. Do you take time to remember the dead? If so, how do you remember them? What are the things that comfort you from their memory? How do your beliefs shape such things, and have your views on such things as commemorating the dead changed over the years?
Thank you for your answers.
Do you take time to remember the dead?
This is one of the best questions I've ever seen on Y!A. I thought I was the only person who did/wondered about this.
To answer, YES, I do remember the dead, and I consider remember to be a verb in this example. By this I mean that I spend time actively reviewing things the person did, said, and experienced. I treasure these memories because they are unique, they are mine alone, and I do not ever want to forget them. The way we remember our memories is to continually review them in our mind's eye.
Now, WHY is this so important to me. Because I lost my closest friend in the world when I was 22. We were like brothers. He was only 33, and died of a heart attack, literally on the floor in front of me. The ONLY thought I can take comfort in regarding this event is that at least I was there with him as it happened, and he did not die alone. He was unconscious, so I do not know if he was aware of my presence, but I like to think he was.
My friend was a genius who shared all he knew, and all he had, with everyone around him. He was the most selfless person I've ever known, and unfortunately, because he was overweight, he did not have many friends. This is another reason I honor his memory as often as possible... because I had the privilege to know such an amazing person that so many others ignored or ridiculed.
I also remember my father's father, because he was a big part of my childhood, but the memories are more vague and distant, so it's is harder, but I try.
Beyond simply remembering these people, I go one step further... I embrace some of their personal beliefs and try to impart them to others around me. In this way, I can continue to exert their unique influence on the world even though they are gone.
Do you take time to remember the dead?
I do. Every week my church (Episcopal) says a prayer for them. We always have. Every night I think about the people I've lost.
Yes. My grandmother often comes to my thoughts when I pray. So I ask her often to pray for me and others. It is a blessing.
Not seeing them does not mean they are not still here.
May the peace of the lord be with you.
Often... In various ways. From organizations I donate to around the holidays and the birthday of one, to the roses I fuss over all summer. Two very old ones that were my grandmother's, uprooted and brought home before their old house was sold. And a third that I planted for someone else. The final buds of the season are now inside so they have a chance to bloom. Lots of reminders.
i pray for the dead daily and remember mine frequently. In the nicene creed we look for the ressurection of the dead. i pray for the souls of my parents. Everyone in my family is gone ,i am an only child.. i love my children, but they have families of their own, they include me but you know what i mean. so i have a lot of time to remember their lives. I think i was meant to return to the church because of my disconnection and it has been a comfort to me. ironically everyone we pray to in our minds is dead except God..go figure.
I pray for my related dead, and the dead, on a daily basis.
It is something that I feel I should do as a Christian. I am in constant prayer for two of my deceased brothers who were in law enforcement. My prayers focus on rest for their souls and that their lives and service to society was not in vain.
I also pray for all my relatives, and long decease ancestors. The blood of my ancient people, runs through my veins, why should I not take time to pray for them?
Also in my prayers are requests to keep safe the souls of friends who have been kind to me in this life, and are now deceased.
There is no obligation by any one for me to do this. I do so because it comforts me and I feel that you must not forget a fellow human being, just because they have past on from this life.
I would like to think that when it is my time and I am gone from this Earth, that someone, whether it be family or a friend, would remember me in their prayers also.
Yes.Especially this time of year.I am a Wiccan High Priest and as you may know )ct. 31 Is Samhain (sowen).It is Celtic New Year,Last Harvest until May,The cyclical death of our God and the year and a time when we feel the veil between this world and the next are the thinnest.It is a time when we welcome our dead back to this world.We set out a plate of food for them and in some case write thier name and maybe a message on paper and toss it in the fire.As a Wiccan High Priest it is my job to write and perform this ritual for other Pagans And Wiccans in my community.While we do mourn our dead we also celebrate as we believe in reincarnation and death is like moving to the next lesson.We do not rush death (we are not a death cult or anything) I am just talking as it happens.Death to my religion is just part of a cycle of life death and re-birth that we all must face at some point.I must comment on missing the person you were around the departed Very Deep and Caring and True,Thanks for sharing that.Respect and Regards Mike the Witch
in my family, we often reminisce on those we've lost, but i don't give them nearly as much time as i should.
i don't forget people that i have known that are now passed on i am a christian and it got nothing to do with the bible but i go to the cemetery and plant flowers on my parents grave i know they are not spiritually there but i feel close to them there probably because this is the last place i saw them physically i dont mourn them to the point it interfers with my life i miss them and wish i could share things in my life with them but i know i will see them again in heaven so that is a good feeling my ma would have wanted the flower planting i know because when she was living she and i planted together on my dads grave she was big into tradition so this would put a smile on her face (me carrying on the tradition) it also is a sign of honoring them(to me)
That part about missing %26quot;the person they allowed us to be%26quot; is beautiful. Those particular reflections of myself are gone to ghosts and whispers - to speak in dreams.
Hey bebe! I like to remember all the good bits about the people I've lost, mate. Those memories literally are the after-life, buddy! So keep remembering!
((((Jack))))
I agree with our Gaz :)
In my family, we never go to cemeteries, we prefer to remember our loved ones at home, any day of the year, talking about them, telling old stories, looking at old pictures, cooking the foods the liked...
We also enjoy visiting places that were important to them, or to our lives together, like an old neighbourhood or cities where they used to live, and to show these places to the younger members of the family, and tell them stories about their grandparents and other family members and old friends.
Thank you for the beautiful question, and for the memories, my friend!!
((((((Jack %26amp; family)))))))
Like the people who raised you, I believe that the people in my life who have passed have gone from death into life. Thus, I do not visit their graves or hold what you call %26quot;real reminiscences%26quot;. There is little point in dressing up a grave. My loved ones are not there.
But, like you, I do treasure the memories of the people in my life who have gone on before me.
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your brother...so young, and so promising! And also sad to hear you compare yourself so unfavorably to him!! Humilty is a beautiful trait...but it can be %26quot;overdone%26quot;.
Anyhow, may God bless you, my friend...and every life you will touch as you pass through this vale of tears!!
You have surely touched mine this day!
I definitely do. In fact, when the mother of my adopted children died, your answer on here was one of the things that got me through it. I remember her everyday I look at my children. She lives on in them and in my heart.
i'm disappointed in you for thinking you are a disappointment. i mean really, jack, come on...
Jack, what you've written here demonstrates to me that you are touching, incredibly brave, admirable, humble, and contemplative. I can't imagine you being a disappointment to anyone, unless their standards are that you must be able to walk on water.
So far in my life I've lost all four of my grandparents and one cousin. I hadn't seen any of them in over a decade. I haven't felt a loss of someone close to me and I am, admittedly terrified of the prospect. I know there will come a day when I will not be able to send a text message to my mother, or send my dad a birthday card. I think I would simply fall apart into a blubbering mass of unidentifiable pulp if I lost my brother or my husband. I sat and cried when I heard about Debra M, and I'd never actually met her.
So to answer your question, I haven't felt the sting of death so close yet, so I haven't instituted any commemorations. So while I cannot empathize with you, I send you my deepest sympathies and warm thoughts.
((Jack))
alittle late to pray
no
Wow Mr. Jack, you must have done some serious thinking while you were away. An awe inspiring post. Thank you!
Hun, I could write a mini novel on this subject. I am in my mid-fifties. The buffer between myself and the unknown is slowly drifting away. I have always felt parents were meant to be a protective wall between children and death. Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way. It seems we lose a family member in my parents generation monthly. So yes, I have been thinking about death and remembering my loved ones who have passed away.
We have a very close family. There are many who helped mold my life. I also lost my brother when he was young. There were three of us. He was the best of us. Physically beautiful, talented, kind and loving. I suppose the deceased members I miss the most are my maternal grandmother and my younger brother.
I truly believe when our loved ones die they take a piece of our heart to the grave with them. However, I feel they live on through their sweet memories which fill the void where the tiny piece of heat is missing.
What a lovely post. Yes, I often think about my loved ones who have passed away. I try not to remember them with sadness but treasure the wonderful things they did in life. I also cherish the love we shared.
