I wasn’t loved, I wasn’t hated, but I take name saying
As a sort of skeleton in my closet I’ll soon be facing
Or will my face be in the city the tycoon laid waste in
Never paid much mind, only about a nickel and dime
Meet a girl with no heart, so she fiddled with mine
I said “girl that’s an instrument no one’s mastered”
But you changed it’s tempo, I said “slow down”...“faster”
You screamed while I couldn’t write a single note it played
Now if it knew the evil known today, it wouldn’t be feeble cold and gray
Like those people shown the plague, in Great Britain
Life’s a stage and I’m one of the worst plays written
At 15 I was seduced, I was reduced to little or nothing
I left with no trace, no note to fiddle with or blood stains
Turned into what I hate, horrible friend, horrible man
Now trying to change, no food for thought my moral’s are full man
As kids we use to think love was child’s play and such
When I was young we tried very hard to stay in touch
Now I just wish her touch would’ve stayed
I have much I could say, and lust I should hate
But I still fall for it anyway... I’ll call it forfeit any day
Today, I sat with the girl of my dreams and we hold hands
Somehow I like the thought of being with her as an old man
She keeps my secrets, and is beside our talents
I flew with her all night trying to find her talons
But there weren’t any, she was a clipped bird like me
One who always believes in the worse likely
Pessimist, one who always says that only death exist
Offering temptations with me saying “You should’ve kept it miss”
Because there’s this thin line between love and hate see
And when it breaks I don’t think I’ll be swung to safety
So I make you the key to my heart, so you can keep it locked
The beauty you’ve shown me is only equal to the equinox
We speak and talk, what we feel and don’t hide emotions
Or seek secrets, when in need of love, mine is potent
We’ve grown together, and so has my heart
The only I hope we don’t grow is apart
Rate my two verses.....?
Ah... Very nice. You have some brilliant lines in here:
%26quot;Meet a girl with no heart, so she fiddled with mine%26quot;
%26quot;When I was young we tried very hard to stay in touch
Now I just wish her touch would’ve stayed%26quot;
and some brilliant rhymes:
%26quot;Pessemist... Death exist... kept it miss%26quot;
It's from the heart... That's obvious. Emotion in a verse is something you can't explain but you know when it's there and when it isn't. It's there in this one. Your multis are CLEAN. They didn't take much pronunciation manipulation to sound right. Except you changed your tenses in the middle second verse's first sentence. (You should have just said %26quot;today I sit%26quot;)
The bird metaphor was kind of weak or I just hate metaphors. If only they weren't so necessary.
9/10
Rate my two verses.....?
I don't like them, I've never heard of such a sappy rap or hip-hop song.
This is the Morbid-style writing I remembered. I've been missing this from you. First verse is sick. 9/10. Couple of suggestions:
%26quot;Like those people shown the plague, in Great Britain
Life’s a stage and I’m one of the worst plays written%26quot; - I don't like these lines. They're fillers. The life's a stage concept is overused, and you already have a good concept of a cold heart going, so if I were you I'd replace this with something else.
%26quot;I left with no trace, no note to fiddle with or blood stains%26quot; - The %26quot;note to fiddle with%26quot; doesn't really fit here. And you already said fiddle earlier in the verse. That's not a word you want to use more than once. I'd change that somehow.
%26quot;Now trying to change, no food for thought my moral’s are full man%26quot; - damn. I loved this line until you stuck %26quot;man%26quot; at the end as a force rhyme. If I were you I'd reword the previous line so it ends in horrible, and then change this line to %26quot;morals are all full%26quot;
But like I said, this is good stuff.
The hook is perfect.
Second verse is also 9/10. Couple of suggestions:
%26quot;One who always believes in the worse likely%26quot; - change that to %26quot;believes the worst is likely%26quot;
%26quot;The beauty you’ve shown me is only equal to the equinox%26quot; - I'm sorry but this line really sucks.
Other than that, this is flawless. Best thing I've read from you in a while.
As always I enjoyed it and it is great stuff. Keep up the good work
take care
dave
ooo i really, really like it. its cool. well written and very emotional. it tells a good story.
I'm just going to rate the entire song as a 9.5/10. The first verse is better than the second verse but they both fit perfectly with the chorus.
I think you should record this song man. I mean it's that damn good.
classy
