Daydreaming can be extremely dangerous to one’s health, or at least my grades. As I sit in Geometry class, all I could think about was how boring my life was, well is. All my friends have been the same since I’ve been in diapers. “Star, what is a proof? … Star?” My teacher Mr. Sattian questioned. I thought, wow same boring teacher. He knew I was not paying attention and just like the malicious teacher he is, he just had to call on me. “Star, I’m waiting for your answer.” I just looked up and wondered what the hell I cared. We would never use this in life, or for that matter, outside this classroom.
My mouth barely opened and the bell rang. Wow, just my luck. Saved by the bell. “Sorry maybe next time sir,” and I ended with a chuckle. I scurried out of the classroom and I saw Mr. Sattian just glaring at me. I turned and the back of my head nearly burned with this furious glance I was probably getting.
Finally, I thought, next period is lunch. The time to socialize with friends and maybe even flirt a little, although all the boys at school already knew they couldn’t get me. I was to picky. I chuckled at the thought of that. I had very pale skin, but not pale enough to say I blended in with computer paper. My eyes were a deep green and in the light, they looked almost had a glossy tint. My hair was nothing special. It was just something that sat on top of my head for the sake of not being called bald. It was light brown that was naturally straight, pin straight. Girls with curly hair would say they would kill for my perfectly straight hair, and girls with straight hair like mine would say they feel my pain of never being able to have it curly. I guess people want what they can’t have.
“Over here Star!” My best friend Jasmine screamed across the lunch room. Everyday last year, we had moved tables because someone always stole our table. I mean, it was only the first day of school, so everything was still changing around, but I was sure, since we were sophomores, that we would have a permanent table. I darted for the table like someone was chasing me. I greeted Jasmine and saw a few new faces. “I hope you don’t mind. I met some people in Chemistry.” Jasmine said hopeful.
“That’s cool,” I said with a grim smile. As I looked I saw old faces from last year, and a few new ones. I saw Lily and Marc from last year. They were holding hands and looking deeply into one another’s eyes. I swear, it was so romantic. They had been together for a year now and I could swear that they were meant for each other. I also stole a glimpse at Angelica and Steve. Angelica used to be a close friend, until she went out with an ex-boyfriend of mine, which brings us to Steve-the once love of my life. We broke up during the summer, so we could explore “new people”. We promised to stay friends but, it never happened.
“Hey! What are your names?” Of course, I was looking at the new people. There was one girl and one guy. The girl had soft blonde curls and a pale skin tone, but not as pale as mine. So in a few words, she was perfect. The guy was tan and was very muscular. His hair was a dark shade of brown. His eyes were mesmerizing and my heart skipped a beat when I looked at him.
“I’m Carissa and this is Hunter,” the blonde said shyly. Hunter shot a glance in my direction with those pale, blue eyes of perfection. He held the stare for a few seconds and then looked towards Carissa.
“My name is Star and it’s umm… very… pleasant to.. umm… meet you.” I fumbled over my words and I realized I sounded like I had a speech impediment. I sat down next to Jasmine and stayed quiet.
“So Hunter,” I finally gave up not speaking, “are you new? I’ve never seen you here in Derby before.” He just stared into my eyes, almost hypnotizing me.
“Yes. Carissa and I always are moving.” Hunter just said in that alluring voice that I was so spellbinding. I shouldn’t have been surprised, he was perfect. A guy suddenly popped up next to Hunter. He was very handsome but not as good looking as Hunter. He was tall and very dark skin toned. His hair was black and slicked back with a least one bottle of gel. His eyes made be keep looking. I felt my face turn red.
“Hi, I’m Eric.” He reached over and kissed my hand and I almost fainted but I kept my cool, almost. He sat down in between Carissa and Hunter. Hunter and Eric were complete opposites ion my opinion. Of course, I only knew them for five minutes, but it seemed their personalities clashed.
Eric was more seductive, flattering, and outgoing. Hunter kept to himself but he was so hard to look away from. My eyes locked with his and then I heard Steve talking. He was average looking with a slim body and regular, flat blonde hair. His best features were his dimples. I loved his smile. “Hey new people. I’m Steve and this is my girlfriend Angelica. That is Jasmine, Lily, and Marc over there. And this is Star.” He mumbled that last sentence in a grouchy manner.
Eric
Do i have potential to be a good writer when i get older? (first chapter of a book i wrote)?
Normally I spend an hour butchering/editing story excerpts (you can look at my profile for proof; all of my answers to questions like these are around 10 paragraphs long) but I'm unfortunately short on time at this moment.
So I'll just give you a quick run through.
For one thing, your %26quot;question%26quot; should be properly capitalized. I don't care if it's not part of the story; practice makes..better.
Second, choose a different name. Unless if %26quot;Star%26quot; is an abbreviation of a longer, more common name, I suggest you drop it. %26quot;Interesting%26quot; and %26quot;unusual names%26quot; do not go well in a story that seems to take place in a modern, normal setting. You know why? It makes the characters a Mary-Sue. Go search it up, it's easy. (And seriously, those kinds of names were things I did when I was ten, so it doesn't help your case).
Moreover, check your punctuation. There are a lot of sentences that can be linked and balanced through the use of punctuation beyond commas. And please, please, please let your sentences flow! They're abrupt and random and it seems like you're jumping topic to topic--an annoying thing for readers to see.
Grammatically, some sentences don't make sense (there are also a few typos). %26quot;He was tall and very dark skin toned%26quot; is not a proper sentence. %26quot;He stood at around six feet in height and his skin was a startling mocha tone%26quot; not only makes grammatical sense, but it's way more interesting. (Comparing attractive skin color to mocha is not uncommon, I believe).
And beyond that? Style. Use variation with your sentences! It seems most of the sentences start the same way. The only interesting sentence, it seems, is the first one. Nearly all of the other sentences start with a pronoun and a verb. It gets boring (hence my skimming through very quickly). And of course, you'll want to spice up your words. The vocabulary you're using is very basic, very genetic. Ok, so it'll work if you're telling your friends what happened to you the other day...but not if you're trying to plant images--no, a whole movie, into your readers' minds; you're going to have to do better than that.
And I don't understand why you decided to tell us your age. Age has no relevance. Talent is everything. The author of Eragon, I believe, was only 15 when he (she? I don't know, I never read the book) wrote it.
.....Looking back, this did end up being around 10 paragraphs, huh? Ah well. I normally break the passage down sentence by sentence, thus this would be much longer if I did that.
And yes, you have...slight potential. No offense, but I've seen much better written by others your age and younger. (In other words, it may take you longer. But that shouldn't deter you if you're passionate about writing.)
(Erg, I'm terrible. I'm telling people how to improve their writing and I've made a bunch of spelling errors! Shame on me!)
Do i have potential to be a good writer when i get older? (first chapter of a book i wrote)?
Well i sort of liked your story,but i think you could do better.What I would recommend you for the first chapter is something that catches your eye,that wants you to keep reading nonstop.
thbeginningng is good.think you sort oexaggerateded a little about Eric kissing your hand.
Don't just tell show
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you definitely have potential (everyone does).
the writing is good, i mean, nothing spectacular, but it's good.
but by what i'm reading, it's just a little cliche. or overused. bored girl sittign through class, hating how her life is soo boring.
and it takes away from the story.
like when a guy dresses well? it makes him look cuter that he actually is, haha. and when a story is unique and intriguing, it'll be good, regardless of the writing.
so i'd just..spice it up a little.
other than that, sweet start(:
NORMALLY I DON'T READ STUFF LIKE THIS BUT THIS IS PRETTY GOOD, YOU DEFINITELY HAVE A FUTURE, OTHERWISE THINGS'LL BE OUT OF WHACK......
i agree with the first person. you have potential. but i think you should wait a couple of years to begin writing a book/novel.
heres what your missing:
1:details. some authors can drag 1 pointless scene out to three whole pages. your only one chapter is like three pages.
2:maturity. i dont know what audience your looking for, but i would suggest young adults. i think your characters should sound a little more mature, but i guess it all depends on the age group so i dont know.
3:feelings. they need to be more descriptive.
4:hook. when i read this i didnt feel like reading past the first paragraph. i think you should describe a clock and how slow it is.
i know it sounds like a lot of things to work on, but you can get it.
overall its not bad, a few errors. i dont like putting literature down in a negative perseption because i dont like hearing people judge my work either, but im only trying to help.
good luck with the book :}
Yes, you have potential. This isn't exactly sheer genius, but it shows potential.
Watch out for those nasty cliches. They pop up everywhere if you aren't careful and creative.
Also, unlike what your past English teachers may have told you, adjectives and adverbs don't make stories better. In fact, too much description can ruin the flow of a story.
My last piece of advice is one you've probably heard before. Show don't tell. I don't want you to list all of Eric's qualities, I want you to show me by how he acts. Give the reader a chance to decide what they think of the character.
This is good for fourteen. You've got a long way to go, but this is good. If you want to get better, I suggest you pick up a copy of On Writing by Stephen King. It's his life story, but it also tells you a lot about writing. It sure helped me out.
Good luck writing!
Edit: Listen to Envious Sleep. That's good advice right there.
