Well, I just wrote this then (I%26#039;ve been through it about two times) and it came out better than what I expected it would considering I%26#039;m so tired. But, I%26#039;m absolutely terrible at editing my own writing, so I could do with some help. **Sorry if it%26#039;s long**
We took refuge underneath a solid piece of wood forced between two trees; it looked as if it was somebody’s old cubby. It’d obviously been forgotten long ago, the wood looked like it was rotting and water still slipped through small holes.
I pulled the sleeves of my jacket completely over my hands and made a noise that sounded similar to a horse. “It’s freezing.”
I turned to look at Saben, and instantly sighed under my breath. Clear beads from the rain were caught in between strands of his ratty black hair, which was still spiking up all over the place. In the low light his face glistened; when he’d protected me from the downpour he must’ve collected a lot more water than me. Noticing my observations, Saben arced an eyebrow.
In an attempt to distract him, I said, “Wow, my clothes are drenched.”
“Well, that can easily be fixed,” He took a few confident steps in my direction, only stopping when our bodies were almost making contact. “By taking them off…” Saben’s voice had dropped to a low murmur that dripped with lust. So that our faces were only just apart, he tilted in further and bent his knees slightly.
Before I could stop myself, a snort rolled out of my mouth and that quickly turned into ear-splitting cackles. They carried out through the empty forest, it even surprised me how loud my laughter was getting.
I held my hand to my stomach as a stitch began to form and my chuckles gradually died down. Looking up, I found a slight smirk on Saben’s face, his green eyes sparking with desire.
“You never take me seriously, huh?” A definite expression now masked his face. I shook my head and he pursed his lips. “Well, we’ll just have to change that, won’t we?”
I wasn’t too sure what he meant, but I still didn’t think he was being completely serious. That was until one of Saben’s hands slowly moved from his pocket and up to my face, his large palm completely cupping my cheek. I closed my eyes as his thumb drew light circles underneath my eye and an unmistakable warmth spread through me; he’d taken one last step closer. When Saben’s other chilly hand came up to rest against my face, I peeled open my eyes to find him looking down at me; mere inches away.
I placed my hand on Saben’s forearm, his muscles tensing at the contact. His head tilted towards mine and my eyes inevitably glanced at his full lips. They were still damp from the rain, and as the corner of his mouth twitched it seemed like they were inviting me in. The anticipation was eating at my insides, and I tipped my lips up to Saben’s expectantly, but his nose only lightly brushed mine.
Slowly, his fingers wriggled past my cheek to tangle in my hair and I gulped, noticing how dry throat was. My stomach flipped as I noticed Saben’s lips were slowly, but surely, moving closer and closer to my eager one’s.
Before I could even react, his mouth had swiftly moved away from mine and connected with my forehead. He pecked it lightly, before stepping away and leaving a trace of what felt like fire behind.
I stumbled backwards slightly; it was like somebody had slapped me across the face, bringing me back out of my daze. Saben chuckled at how much power he’d just held over me, and my heart sunk as I realised just how pathetic I must’ve seemed.
“It’s stopped raining,” I glanced up at Saben to find a grin still on his face. “Come on, there’s something I want to show you.”
One thing I%26#039;m really want to get your opinions on is if it%26#039;s too much description, especially when they%26#039;re about to kiss? And do you have any advice on how I can know if it%26#039;s over described? Saben%26#039;s a sorcerer and I%26#039;m not too sure whether or not I want this to be a spell just yet (he%26#039;s manipulating her) so that%26#039;s why I put in the daze thing. **I know Saben probably seems like a creep, but it%26#039;s just his personality and Audrey%26#039;s used to it, that%26#039;s why she takes it so lightly.** And overall, what did you think? I reallyyy appreciate the help, thanks♥|||Is this posted in WoP under the title %26quot;Ripped%26quot; or something like that? Anyways, it was good, the descriptions were nice but yeah I think it%26#039;s a tad too much. Keep it up!
PS: Oh and I checked it on the website. Could you read mine over there and comment/rate? It%26#039;s on the Beatrix Renning account. Thanks heaps!|||Hey, this is absolutely amazing. Gosh you sound like a Pro author :)
1) - Nope, the description is near perfect. But i think, in the bit where
%26#039;%26#039;his mouth had swiftly moved away from mine and connected with my forehead. He pecked it lightly, before stepping away and leaving a trace of what felt like fire behind.
I stumbled backwards slightly; it was like somebody had slapped me across the face, bringing me back out of my daze. Saben chuckled at how much power he’d just held over me, and my heart sunk as I realized just how pathetic I must’ve seemed%26#039;%26#039;
I think you need a bit more description of how she is feeling. And what she is thinking with every move he makes. Like does her breathing change, does her heart flutter? Does she feel fear? Does she feel drawn to him even more? Love has a funny way of working, you may need to ask more personal experiences before you get an accurate description.
In this bit:
In the low light his face glistened; - perhaps describe her feelings towards him. Like does she think hes Beautiful? Does she just want to hold him, and be %26#039;his forever%26#039; Make it lovey dovey. Show that she is caught up in Love or something :)
The anticipation was eating at my insides, and I tipped my lips up to Saben’s expectantly, but his nose only lightly brushed mine. - Here, show her disappointment more. With what you have given, it seems as if she%26#039;s thinking %26#039;oh well%26#039; Or not even that. You need to show how she regrets losing a small chance. Maybe something like %26#039;%26#039;His nose only lightly brushed mine, with the single touch, i felt a rush of love and daze flood through me, surging up to my brain and back down, leaving me feeling a heavy pulse. Surely he could hear my heartbeat too?%26#039;%26#039; I don%26#039;t know, I%26#039;m not 100% today, but do you get the picture more less?
Email me if you would like to have any more help :)
Your story sounds really fab! Good job, and good luck :)
-Deana.|||I actually liked it :) Good descriptions, not too much but not too little. In my opinion, anyway. But I do think you over described Saben%26#039;s movements when he was leaning in, like %26quot;he tilted in further and bent his knees slightly.%26quot; I don%26#039;t know, that bit just puts me off for some reason, for me I can already imagine him leaning down and tilting his head. But again, that%26#039;s just me, I%26#039;m weird like that.
For me, when I know I over describe something is when it takes ages for the characters to do something that in reality is quick. Or when I write a whole paragraph describing one simple action or object.
Saben seems a bit cocky and over confident about Audrey%26#039;s actions and feelings. If he isn%26#039;t manipulating her there then, to me, she seemed a little needy with the whole kiss thing. But you said that that%26#039;s what Saben%26#039;s personality is and she%26#039;s used to it then it seems like she would know he would do that. Remember, we don%26#039;t want another Bella Swan heroin, where she is dependent and needy for the guy. Strong, kick-*** heroins are better. But if he is manipulating her, it totally makes sense.
Overall, I thought it was awesome. I%26#039;m not that good at English so I won%26#039;t criticize or anything because I probably don%26#039;t know what I%26#039;m saying. Let me know if you publish this, because I wanted to keep reading it and find out that, if Saben was manipulating her, why? and why are they hiding under some trees near a cubby (in someones backyard?).
Keep writing!|||I found a way to answer this question of yours after all! ( I clicked on your profile and went from there actually lol. ) Anyway to answer your question, well everyone before me has beaten me to it, and already given you the best answers that you mostly need to know, when it comes to writing and editing your very well written descriptive piece.
:-)
The only advice I really have to give you with the continuation of this story, is to always check over your work for spelling mistakes and that your paragraphs are always spaced properly.
Anyways, carry on with the great work!|||Very good
%26#039;noticing how dry throat was,%26#039; you just need to put the %26#039;my%26#039; in their.
Good luck (:
